New Years Eve Party Gong-Show
by Leonahari
Summary: The Armstrong's host a NYE party to find a suitor for Catherine, and Mustang decides to invite everyone he knows and has ever met, including the homunculi. The result: lots of booze, some hookups, and a very heartbroken Edward.


**Leonahari: Happy New Year! Even those in Amestris need to unwind now and again, and what better way than to throw a giant party! Due to the nature of this story, not everyone's in character – it's meant for the lols. Enjoy!**

* * *

 _ **5:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

"The ballroom looks absolutely wonderful, darling! You did a splendid job with the chandelier!" said Mrs. Armstrong to her youngest daughter Catherine, who blushed and smiled at the compliment.

"What is this? There is no way I'm having a party in my home, especially if _he's_ coming!" General Armstrong burst through the double doors from the foyer.

"Nonesense, Olivier, it's New Year's Eve," her mother replied, "and we've invited most of the military – there's bound to be a fit suitor among them for dearest Catherine."

"I think I heard my name!" Mustang appeared at the doorway, holding a bottle of champaign and followed closely by Hawkeye, who let out an exasperated sigh at his bad joke.

"There is no party here, go home!" General Armstrong spat.

"It looks like we're the first ones here," Hawkeye said into the echoing chamber that was the Armstrong's large and very empty ballroom. She turned on Mustang with a fury, "You said we'd be late, _sir_!"

He laughed, and scratched the back of his head. "I like to be prepared for bad traffic."

"Is that Colonel Mustang I hear?" Major Armstrong and his bulging muscles fit through the double doors and he gave them all a sparking smile in welcome. "Welcome to the party, although it doesn't technically start until seven o'clock."

"Seven o'clock?" Hawkeye said, frowning over at Mustang, who cowered under her glare.

"Hello?" They all turned to see a group of people standing in the foyer looking around at the giant sculptures and ornate domed ceiling tiles: Havok, Fuery, Falman, Breda, Brosh and Ross.

"Come on in! The party just started!" Mustang said, as his squadron filtered through the doors and into the ballroom.

"You've all been fooled. It actually doesn't start until seven," said Hawkeye, crossing her arms. To this there was an uproar of complaints.

"Seriously?"

"I had to cancel with my girlfriend, Mustang!"

"The food isn't even here yet?"

"What a drag…"

"Might as well call on the DJ and the kitchen staff, dear," Mrs. Armstrong said to Catherine, as Mustang's squadron barraged him. "We have some eager partiers…"

* * *

 _ **6:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

The buffet tables were set up and the DJ, who happened to be Yoki, had arrived – he was in dire need of extra cash since Fullmetal had ruined his military career and the circus didn't pay him very well.

In the time that it took the dinner staff to cook and set out the food, more people had arrived from all over Amestris, which made Mrs. Armstrong wonder where they were all coming from. Then it was discovered that Mustang, despite only being allowed a plus one, had invited pretty much everyone he ever knew or met. And of course, he told them all the party started at five. So, naturally, everyone showed up at six only to discover the party didn't start until seven.

"See, we weren't that early after all." Mustang smirked at Hawkeye.

"Yo, Roy!" Maes Hughes popped out of the crowd just as Yoki got the music playing (something with violins in it). "Happy New Year's Eve! I just got back from telling my wife and daughter all about this party. They're going to be bringing people too! Oh, and have I shown you the most recent edition of Elicia's Christmas photoshoot? Of course, I have – here have another look!"

Meanwhile, Edward, Alphonse, Winry and Granny Pinako entered the ballroom and stared around at all the guests.

"Classical music?" Edward said, "What kind of party is this?"

Winry sighed. "I knew I should have worn a dress – Edward, you told me it wouldn't be fancy!"

Edward shrugged. "The invite came from Mustang, how was I supposed to know it was fancy."

Alphonse gasped. "I can see Maes Hughes. I'm going to go say hi!"

"Be careful he doesn't rope you into looking at pictures of his daughter for hours!" Edward yelled after him as Alphonse's giant metal body parted the crowd.

Over by the buffet, Sergeant Fuery was trying to keep Black Hayate from eating the scraps that fell under the table; Major Armstrong was getting his ear torn off by General Armstrong about something to do with too many guests; and Ling Yao jumped through a window and stole a plateful of fried chicken.

Nobody was quite sure if they should dance to the classical music Yoki was playing, or if they ought to just treat it as background noise. Waiters swerved through the crowd holding trays with glasses of champaign. Despite being just barely underage in Amestris, Mei Chang had thought it was carbonated juice and was already down three glasses. She had devoted herself to following Alphonse around muttering about wedding plans.

"Isn't this just great, dearest? Everyone's having such a good time," Mrs. Armstrong said to Catherine, who had stooped to pet Black Hayate making Sergeant Fuery blush a deep red.

Meanwhile at the edge of the room, Kimblee swirled champaign around in his glass and grinned up at the chandelier, imagining what would happen if it fell. Dr. Marcoh and Scar were in a deep discussion about Ishvallan principles of alchemy, and the debate looked to be getting a little heated. And off at the very end of the ballroom Hohenheim and Granny Pinako sat together at a table. Granny Pinako pushed her champaign glass aside and pulled a flask of whiskey out of her apron pocket.

* * *

 _ **7:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

The party was already pretty lively. The music was playing something with piano and flute, nobody was dancing. Babble of conversation filled the room. The waiters had replenished the food several times over, mostly due to Ling Yao who was hiding under the table with a stack of empty plates. He kept giving Black Hayate his leftover chicken bones when Sergeant Fuery wasn't looking.

Then the doors to the ballroom opened again, and this time the homunculi entered. Lust was towing the line ahead of her brothers. She stopped and looked around with a bored expression.

"Well, this is disappointing. Envy, you told me there would be handsome men here," Lust said, sighing.

Envy snickered. "Well, I'm here, aren't I? Stop moping, old hag."

"Who invited them?" Ross whispered to Hawkeye, who looked over at Mustang and heaved a heavy sigh, and replied, "He just doesn't know when to stop…"

Sloth pushed past Envy and Lust, who were obviously in his way and gazed around. "I'm sleepy."

"Yeah, this music's a bore," Greed said. "Let's liven it up a little, eh?"

He strutted his stuff over to Yoki, pushed him out of the way and took control of the dashboard. Immediately the music switched from slow classics to something upbeat with heavy base. Everyone in the party cheered loudly and some started dancing.

"That's more like it!" Greed exclaimed happily.

Pride turned his nose up and looked up at Father. "Ugh, it's so stuffy in here. Let's leave."

"That would be rude," Father replied. "Stay for a little longer."

"Hey! Glad you guys could make it!" Maes Hughes pushed past Ross and Hawkeye to greet the homunculi family. "I was worried you wouldn't get my invite! I did address it to the Homunculi's Evil Lair, but the post man looked confused."

"We got the invite, obviously," Lust sneered, "but the postman won't be joining the party. The chimeras had a little too much fun ripping him to bits."

Maes blanched a bit, but then spotted Envy and changed the subject. "Hey, buddy! Good to see you! Oh, have I shown you Elicia's Christmas photos yet? They are so adorable! Here!"

Envy looked sideways. "Oh, look, I think I spot someone I don't care about. I'm going to go talk to them instead." And walked away.

Meanwhile, Gluttony had spotted the buffet and Lust tried to stop him, but was currently being dragged across the room by his arm. General Armstrong greeted Wrath with a glare, which he returned in kind.

"I didn't realize you'd be here," she said.

He broke out into a wide smile. "Well, that's no way to welcome your Fuhrer, is it?"

Father had joined Hohenhiem and Pinako at the table to drink, heavily; Major Armstrong had tried to bear hug Paninya, but she ran away and he stumbled over; Lust was in a deep conversation with Havok; and Mei Chang and Lan Fan had started a glaring contest over the top of Ling's head.

"Hey! I didn't see you come in!" Mustang grabbed Envy, and pulled him in to join him, Breda, Fuery, Hawkeye, and Edward, who had been playing the game who-would-you-rather. Envy pushed away from Mustang, looking a bit disgusted.

"Sorry about having to kill you in that last episode," Mustang said, grinning. "No hard feelings, eh?"

"You actually burned me, you bastard!" Envy snapped. "You're not supposed to actually burn me! It was supposed to be for effect only!"

Mustang laughed, "Yeah, but you weren't doing a great job of looking scared. I had to give you that bit of encouragement!"

"It fucking hurt!"

"Here," Breda said, shoving a glass of liquor into Envy's hand. "Unwind! We're playing Who'd You Rather. It's Ed's turn. If you had to choose, who'd you rather sleep with: Mustang or Envy?"

"What!?" Both Mustang and Envy shouted at Breda, who chuckled at their expense. Edward frowned and looked to be considering this very carefully, which scared the shit out of the entire group.

"I'd have to say Envy," Edward said, making Envy turn a bit green, literally. The group gawked in shock. "Because then he could turn into anyone I wanted!"

Breda nodded. "Ah, good thinking, good thinking…"

"I hate this game," Envy scowled.

"It's your turn then," Edward said. "Alphonse or Gluttony?"

"That's low, Ed. Offering up your own brother…" Mustang said.

Envy hid his face behind his hand, and slowly replied, "Alphonse…"

"I want to dance!" Winry appeared from the crowd between Edward and Envy. She grabbed Edward's arm, but he didn't budge.

"There's no way I'm dancing," Edward said, stubbornly. "This music isn't really my style."

"Ed…! Come on!" Winry pleaded.

"I'll dance with you!" Envy offered, making Winry spin around and jump at him.

"Really!?" she said. She grabbed Envy's arm and pulled him away, Envy shot a wide grin back at Edward, who was fuming.

* * *

 _ **8:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

Granny Pinako, Hohenhiem and Father were sharing slurred stories about their children and grandchildren, and laughing about all the stupid things they'd done.

"Once, after he'd been first created," Father said, tears in his eyes from laughing so hard, "Gluttony thought the urinal tabs were mouth fresheners!"

They burst out laughing.

"And I didn't even stop him from eating them!"

They laughed even harder.

"Edward found a kitten in the backyard when he was two years old," Hohenhiem said. "He wanted him to grow bigger so that he'd be stronger than the kitten Alphonse had found. So, one day, while Trisha was in the garden, Edward dug a hole and planted the kitten, thinking he would grow like a plant did."

"Oh, Winry did a similar thing with Skittles!" Granny Pinako said, "She thought if she planted them, then a rainbow would form and drop Skittles everywhere!"

Meanwhile, over at the buffet table: "What do you mean we're out of food!? It's only eight o'clock!" Mrs. Armstrong yelled at the chef, who was watching Gluttony and Ling from the corner of his eye.

Major Armstrong had transmuted a disco ball and hung it from the chandelier. Greed was DJing with big headphones and had already placed a phone order for a smoke machine on the Armstrong's tab. Yoki was adjusting lights so that they had a range colors for the disco ball. The dance floor was full, and the champaign was running out. The waiters had started pulling from the liquor reserves.

* * *

 _ **9:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

"…and then he said 'come on, Maes, you gotta work with me to help me get to the top of the food chain – then I'll rule this country!' and the next thing I know, I'm dead… They killed me off before any of the good action had started! What a joke!" Maes shouted over the music at Maria Ross, who was nodding intently.

Captain Buccaneer and the Briggs men made a fashionably late appearance, but seemed to have done a bit of pre-drinking, so they fit in just fine. Buccaneer immediately spotted Edward's sexy automail mechanic dancing with some dude in a skort and decided it was time he tried to work his magic and get her to dance with him instead. He chuckled to himself and left his crew to approach them.

"…Can you believe my husband was invited by Major Armstrong, but I never would have gotten an invite if it hadn't been for Mustang? The nerve! Even my own students didn't invite me!" Izumi said to Falman. Alphonse spotted teacher and slowly backed away, then dashed into the crowded dance floor to hide, despite being a giant suit of armor.

"Do you think this dress makes my butt look big?" Martel asked Lust, who raised an eyebrow, and replied, "Are you seriously asking _me_ if _your_ butt looks big?"

Black Hayate and Dolcetto were growling at each other near the bathrooms; Edward was wondering around looking for Winry in a sad, moping sort of way; and Maes Hughes had figured out that Kimblee and his gang of chimera henchmen hadn't ever seen pictures of Elicia and were now being subjected to a full roster of them. Kimblee looked like he wanted to die.

Buccaneer appeared from the dance floor, dragging his feet. There were tears welling up in his eyes.

"What happened to you?" General Armstrong asked him, dispassionately. At seeing that he could vent to someone, Buccaneer broke down and cried, "I got beat out for a girl by a guy in a skort!"

General Armstrong could only shake her head in shame.

* * *

 _ **10:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

"Have you seen Winry? Has anyone seen Winry?" Edward wandered around the party like a lost puppy, and no one took any notice of him.

Havok and Greed set up the smoke machine and now the dance floor was flooded with greyish, sweet-smelling vapor. Laser lights bounced around the room from the disco ball. The music was pumping!

Father and Hohenhiem had decided to see who could drink the most. Granny Pinako had tried to get to the bathroom but was tripped by Pride's shadow tendril, maybe-most-probably on purpose (he was snickering to himself from around a corner).

Kimblee had managed to sneak away from Maes Hughes, leaving his chimera henchmen to suffer without him. He bumped into Scar by accident, who pushed him back, saying, "You want to fight, punk?"

Hawkeye, Lust, Maria Ross, and Catherine were giggling about something in a corner, and every time a guy walked by they would all fall silent and stare at him until he left, then start giggling again.

"No, not him, not him…" Lust said. Her eyes scanning the crowd. She spotted Fuery looking around for Hayate. "What about him? He's got that gentle, nerd-thing going on."

Catherine cocked her head in consideration. "Yeah… He does seem sweet."

Off in some dark corner of the mansion, Envy and Winry were making out. Winry had never had a guy fight for her before, and the way Envy had intimidated Buccaneer was just _so sexy_. Envy was also extremely pleased with himself for having won a fight (for once), and had made mention of it multiple times in between coming up for air. Winry felt he talked a lot, which was unnecessary, so she resigned to shutting him up using her mouth.

"… you have seven children!?" Gracia gasped at Father, who nodded and smiled.

"Yup, and they're all little assholes, born and raised!" he exclaimed, proudly, which confused the shit out of Gracia.

"Cheers to that!" Hohenhiem slurred and raised his glass, which was empty. Granny Pinako tried to pour him some more whisky, but missed and instead poured it onto the table.

"Stop moving so much!" She snapped, even though Hohenhiem had put it back down on the table for her.

"…Hey you, wanna dance?" Mustang found Hawkeye huddled up with the girls in the corner. Lust turned her nose up at him, and muttered something about him smelling like booze. Hawkeye was all too pleased that he had finally asked her, though, so she happily grabbed his arm and allow him to cart her away to the dance floor. They passed Shou Tucker who had passed out leaning against Sloth, who was too lazy to move somewhere else.

"It's not yours, it's mine – I found it!" Pride snapped at Nina and Elicia. They huddled around Black Hayate, who had been wandering around since Fuery had left him to his own devices (he had finally bucked up the courage to ask Cathering to dance).

The music cut out and everyone abruptly stopped doing whatever it was they were doing. Granny Pinako screamed in the silence something incoherent and dived under the table, nobody really took any notice of her.

"Yo! Listen up everyone!" Maes had snagged the microphone from Greed, who was threatening him if he didn't give it back. In one hand he held the mic, and in the other the plug for the speakers. "Anyone who hasn't seen Elicia's Christmas photos, raise your hand – oof!"

Bido tackled Maes to the ground and there was a silent struggle for the microphone, while everyone started cheering "Bi-do, Bi-do, Bi-do!"

"Here you go, Mr. Greed!" Bido handed the microphone back to Greed, happily. They plugged the music back in, and Maes was dragged from the stage by Martel and Dolcetto.

* * *

 _ **11:00pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

"Let's stash them here…" Havok said to Ross. They had managed to smuggle in fireworks in preparation for midnight. "This is going to be great!"

"…and then I said to Cathering – hiccup! – I said you should find yourself – hiccup! – a nice man, which is the only reason – hiccup! – we threw such a party in the first place. And then Mustang had to – hiccup! – go and ruin everything, he ruined it all! You understand. You feel what – hiccup! – what I feel?" Mrs. Armstrong sat on the floor with a bottle of wine in her hand. She took a swig right out of the bottle and looked over at Gluttony, who was sucking his thumb wishing the waiters would bring out more food.

Nearby, Edward had found a seat at a table with Dr. Marcoh and Mei Chang. Mei Chang was passed out hard, drooling on the table cloth. Dr. Marcoh sipped quietly at his liquor, staring ahead blankly.

Edward sighed. "I just don't know where she could have gone…"

Next to their table, Major Armstrong and Sig were having an arm wrestle. It was the best of 100, and so far they were even. Ling and Fu judged each match carefully.

Lust was leaning against the wall, alone. Every one of her girlfriends had been asked to dance, but nobody had approached her yet and she was getting pissy about it. She spotted Envy walking by, and raised an eyebrow. "Where the hell have you been?"

He sneered. "None of your business, hag. Hey, I thought you'd be tying someone to a bedpost by now – what's wrong?"

Lust turned her nose up. "I have better things to do than mess around with humans."

"Right, like sulking by yourself in the shadows?" Envy snickered. "Well, have fun with that!"

Winry had needed a break from making out with Envy to go to the bathroom. She was just returning to the party, when Edward spotted her from across the room. He jumped up and ran, full tilt at her, but she spotted him, panicked and ducked into cover on the dance floor and he lost her in the crowd.

* * *

 _ **11:59pm – Armstrong Mansion – December 31st**_

"Alright everyone! Are you ready for this!?" Greed signalled to Havok to begin prepping the fireworks. "Head outside for the grand finale!"

Everyone rushed for the exit and spilled out into the courtyard to await the firework show and, of course, the countdown.

Hawkeye nervously glanced over at Mustang.

Winry and Envy had found each other in the crowd and were staring up at the sky. Winry leaned against him, smiling.

Edward had spotted Envy and Winry and was sulking somewhere in the background. Alphonse was comforting him.

"10… 9…" Everyone started counting down loudly, "3… 2.. 1… Happy New Year!"

The fireworks weren't totally set up properly, so a few went up (where they were supposed to), but some went sideways and awry. Nobody seemed to care too much, since Major Armstrong protected the crowd by creating an alchemical wall.

Hawkeye bashfully looked over at Mustang, who was enjoying the fireworks way too much. She decided it was probably best they didn't make a scene in front of their coworkers and decided to save a kiss for later, behind closed doors.

Unlike Hawkeye and Mustang, Winry kissed Envy, shocking pretty much everyone who was standing around them – including Lust. They knew it would probably cause some human-homunculus war between their friends and family, but they didn't give a fuck.

"This is the best New Years Party ever!" Fuery cried tears of joy had having finally asked Catherine out on a date and she said yes.

* * *

 _ **10:30am – Armstrong Mansion – January 1st**_

The ballroom was a disaster. Streamers, spilt drink, and someone's shoes were all over the floor. Shou Tucker and Sloth were snoring in a corner. Mei Chang was still drooling on the table cloth next to Dr. Marcoh, who was still slowly sipping at his drink and staring blanking ahead.

There was some shuffling under one of the tables, and Granny Pinako appeared, pushing away the table cloth and yelling loudly into the silence, "I found my teeth!"

All in all, everyone was happily drunk and very glad that shit-show of a year was over.


End file.
